Mortgaging My Soul, Once Again

And, no, it’s not porn.  Well, sure, I’m addicted to that too.  But I’ve found loveliness that I can’t stop playing.

World of Warcraft.

I was intrigued by it ever since South Park had an episode where they were all characters off of Warcraft.  So, for Christmas, we all (Travis, Jess, and I) got each other World of Warcraft so that we can play with each other.  We were going to wait until January to play when we got our new computers with the release of Windows Vista.

However, The Crack called us, sang its Siren’s Song…and we heard it loud and clear.  And, after hearing that alluring song, we were unable to turn away.

My Precious…

Yesterday, after I got home, I think I played for 5 hours.  I then turned around, went to bed, woke up, got around super quick, played for another hour, then went to work.

Now the funny part kicks in.

We needed to get Jessica to Level 10 so that we can move her to my realm so that we can play together.  So Travis told me to play Jessica’s character today.  At work.  So, of course there’s someone literally giving me the line of cocaine, glass table, and the bendy straw to snort it with.  Glorious.  So, for around 3-4 hours I played Jessica’s character until Travis had to leave and he took his laptop with him.

That’s why, my dear friends, that I haven’t been posting.  It wasn’t because, like Jennifer, I’m knocking on death’s door, begging to be put out my misery.  I’m not having a family emergency or unable to pay my internet bills.

Oh no, it’s much more twisted then that my dear friends.

I have a sickness.  And strangely enough, it’s a sickness that I love.

My Precious…. 

I did something today that I wasn’t proud of…

It wasn’t out of necessity, pleasure, or addiction.

I did it out of boredom.  And a great swell of shame is growing inside of my chest.

I cheated on Walmart today.  That glorious place that I publicly spit on and post multiple slanderous remarks about…I go there all the time.  Typically once or twice a week, at the very least.  I know, Jennifer, I’m sure you will launch a compaign to have me removed from my seat as Queen of the Anti-Walmart Federation and publicly shamed and flogged in the town square.  *sighs*.

But, moving on with my shame, I was in Saint Marys killing some time as I was waiting until 4pm so I could meet my mother and the rest of the clan at the hospital so we could all drive up to see Grandpa Sullivan while he’s still recovering from open heart surgery.  And I decided to venture into the relatively new Kroger store.  There isn’t a Kroger store around in this area at all so I’ve only been in a Kroger store once, maybe twice in my life.

I wasn’t super impressed with the store but I made my way through, looking for the Campbells Soup that comes in those microwavable cups.  Mike likes those for lunch.  So, I made my way through the store and purchased four of them and, on my way to the checkout line, there were some fruit snacky thingies which looked mighty tasty.  So I was checking out and, even with a dollar off coupon for my soups, it came to $14!!!!!  For four freaking cans of soup and a container of Fig Newtons?  FOR REAL?!

I double checked the receipt before heading out and, for the love of everything, that was the real price.  I mean, at Walmart (God Save Walmart From Its Evil Misdoings, Amen) the soups are $1.50 a piece.  At Kroger they are $2.69 a piece.  The Fig Newtons were $3.69 a box.

Fuck!

I’ve never really paid that close attention to prices because, well, I typically need the items that I’m purchasing.  There’s really no reason to bitch about the price.  But I thought $14 was outrageous for the amount of food I was getting!  Well, maybe you people in the big cities don’t think that’s too bad.  But we live in rural Ohio where we grow our own food, ride around in buggies, and have sex with our sisters.  Well, come on…only if they’re pretty.  We do have standards, Precious.

So, I’m taking a new stand:

Long Live The Walmart!

May it’s Stock Prices Soar and It’s Low Low Prices Plummit.

Amen. 

*Deactivates his email address so the hate mail will stop…peeaasseee, peeaassee stop!* 

I know that you look at the title of this posting and you think to yourself, “There’s no such things as Magical Vaginas.”

However, I think the very definition of a Magical Vagina is “A vagina that is first not there and then, with a wave of your hand, magically appears into existence in front of you.”

Apparently Britney Spears has a Magical Vagina.  And, according to ancient lore, the only way to kill a Magical Vagina is to stuff it with moth balls, pickle it, and then burn the body that it’s attached to at the stake while dancing around it, doing the ancient “Monkey Dance.”

And, while all of you that know me realize that I’m not a fan of stuffed, pickled, toasty vaginas (even though the Monkey Dance is a favorite of mine), I do have to say that I would do this.  Not for my sake or my family’s sake, but for the sake of humanity.

And, for those of you that dare to stare into the Pit of Darkness And Despair, I bid you good health and tidings and enter here.  Be sure to click on the smaller photos below the larger photo to get to the real juicy, yet soul destroying, photos.  Sure, I survived, but when you don’t have a soul, you don’t have much to lose Precious.

I’ve been unhappy with the skin on my blog and what not just because the links were crazy hard to read.  I mean, dark pink on dark gray isn’t the best color choices.  However, maybe that was my intent all along.  For those of you that had issues reading the links, you would be forced to go to Walmart and buy one of their “Super Gay Items,” the Reading Glasses.

Yes, yes Precious.  My blog alone will create a huge surge for the reading glasses, causing Walmart’s financials to triple, which will cause them dump even more money into creating and marketing gay items and building more Activity Centers (aka whore houses) for The Gays.  *Evil Cackle and Rubs Hands Together All Sinister And Diabolical-Like*

And now that you all know my evil and twisted plans, I’m tracing all of your IP addresses and The Precious will hunts you, kills you, and feeds on you.  I’m sorry, but the plan must go off without a hitch, and I can’t afford the general public knowing…..

May Walmart and The Precious be praised.

Amen 

So, I was talking with Jess, my sister-in-law yesterday online, and somehow or another The Precious came of topic.  And, I told her that I no longer believed in The Precious.  And, I was horribly wrong.  I mean, I can’t even begin to express to everyone how The Precious has changed my life when I accepted it as my personal Lord and Savior.  I was just being Doubting Thomas because, well, my driveway.  *sighs*.  If only I would have fully comprehended the Power of The Precious, I never would have uttered such blasphemy.

For those of you that think that I have lost my mind, I’ll do a quick recap on The Precious and why you should discard all of the other false gods that you are currently worshiping!

A couple of months ago Travis, Jess, and I were innocently going into McDonald’s (aka The Glorious Golden Arches) ad then we found it.  The Precious.  And it was the most beautiful thing we’ve ever witnessed.

And then we discovered that, if we changed our combos to Large size, we would then get more rewarded by The Precious.

As you all now are suspecting, The Precious is the McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces.  I mean, not only could they be used on the paper Monopoly game board that we printed off online, but you could then use them to enter in codes to play an ONLINE version of Monopoly.  The more game pieces you had, the more moves you could make on the online game board.  I….it just felt *so* good and *so* right when we had multiple preciouses in our hands, Precious.

So, now you all know the horrible, lovely truth.

So, anyways, where I was going with this, is that I told Jessica that I no longer believed in The Precious and to believe in it was blasphemy.  But, after saying it, I repented my Brothers and Sisters in The Precious.  

This afternoon after coming home early from work, the village (yea, we don’t even live in a town…we’re so freaking sweet) was filling in my driveway that they destroyed.  They were digging up the old water lines and putting in, well, newer water lines *laughs*.  And the water line ran right under my driveway.  Well, they neglected to fill up the driveway all of the way (that portion of the driveway is stone) and there was this huge…trench.  And, well, my new car is really low to the ground and I kept on bottoming out my car.  Well, The Precious be praised, the village filled in the void to my driveway and to MY SOUL!!!!

Thank you Precious, thank you. 

Ohhh, and I saw the dentist today and he said that I had lovely teeth and I should thank my parents for my teeth.  So, thanks mom and dad.  Sure, you’ll never read this…but, truly, just me acknowledging it to the world is really what you’re after :) 

So, being the young, innocent sexy man that I am, I’ve always thought that technology was good and pure, it was only the bad, bad people’s fault if technology did anything terrible.

And then, it happened today.  Something so terrible and heinous that I shall only whisper it on here and we shall never, ever mention it again.

nba league pass broadband 

And, I hope that Jess reads this before Travis gets home, as she can prepare for the evils that will surely corrupt her home.  I’m so, so sorry.

Right now I’m sitting here, “working,” while Travis is almost wanking off, watching this thing, thinking it’s the best thing ever.

I now understand when people point at computers, iPods, and clean underwear and softly cry, “it will be the end of us all.”

Yes…I see it now.  But, it’s too late My Precious…it’s already here to devour our souls and there’s nothing, and I do mean nothing, that can save us now. 

After I bitched about Fedex I went and looked on their website and it looks like it’s in Grove City, Ohio.  And, I have no idea where that’s at, but it’s a hell of a lot closer to me than Texas.  Yea!!!  So, hopefully it’s still on track to get to me tomorrow!!!

I’m so EXCITED!

So, hopefully my laptop is fixed so that I can sell the piece of shit so I can get a new laptop come January with Windows Vista.  Yes Precious, yes!