Mortgaging My Soul, Once Again

So today I went to my cousin's kid's birthday party, he just turned 3. Now, I don't have a lot of experience with little kid's birthday parties, but I expected it to be semi-loud and messy. However, to come to full grips of what I experienced, I need to tell you a tale of Insanity, Druggies, and Dirty Clothes.

Gods, the drama...

So anyways, just a side note before I begin, my cousin and his wife aren't the most organized people in the world, God love them. And they're constantly late. Like, at least a half an hour, sometimes more.  So, where shall we begin?

The Beginning:

So, I spent about 45 minutes getting ready today, 'cause it's a party. And, apparently you're supposed to look pretty. At least, this is what I thought. However, for 3 year old birthday parties, the rules must be different. I would have fit in better if I would have substituted my silk cashmere sweater for my hoodie. But, my bad, I didn't know.

So, I got there around 12:30, being told that the party will be starting at 12:30 or 1 and we'll be eating at that time. So, I get there on the early side because, knowing my cousin and his wife, they would probably need some help getting the stuff around. So, I get there and unleash my Gay Cleaning & Fabulousness powers and I was met with a force that my powers had no impact on. Something so fierce and soul destroying that my powers collapsed in front of me and made me cringe and step back a wee bit to get away.

The Birthday Boy

Apparently mommy decided to brush his hair and he wanted *NOTHING* to do with that. So, and I'm seriously not kidding you folks, he screamed at the top of his lungs for 15-20 minutes because his mother touched his hair. I mean, not just crying. He was running around the apartment, screaming, hitting people/objects, because he was pissed. I think he's gonna be gay when he grows up 'cause I've known a few adult queens do that when people fuck with their hairdos. *smirks*

So, people were running around, dropping food off (it was kind of like a Thanksgiving Potluck Birthday Party Extravaganza...), and then this one lady dropped off this...and I'm using the word very loosely...stuffing. And, she apologized for not making it from scratch like what she promised. Which, is fine...I think that Stovetop stuffing is WAAAAYYYY better than home made. Yuck. That slimy nasty shit. So, the woman went to the store and apparently this grocery store sells these blocks of things. I'm not even really sure how to describe it. It kinda looked like these cut up flat square pieces of lard. However, they were stuffing. And, we looked at it and asked her how to cook/heat it up. She didn't know. We looked at the container, there were no directions. So, we were left puzzled. And, even though I'm gay, I have no cooking powers...if it's not microwavable or something I can toss in the oven, then it's beyond me. So my uncle grabbed it, threw it in a skillet, and started frying it up *laughs*. I don't think that anyone tried it so it was definitely worth the effort. It just looked to scary....

So, while the food was being prepared, I was running around the kitchen, trying to get things situated on the tables and what not (with the food that was done/brought, silverware, etc) and my cousin's wife's mother left her crap and her purse on the kitchen table. Well, one would think that the kitchen table would be used for, I dunno, the meal in some fashion or another. So I took it upon myself to take the food that she brought with her and put it where it belonged and also her purse and put it away in the "coat room." Right after I did that she was freaking out, wondering what happened to her purse. I told her that I put it away, as I needed the kitchen table. She then gave me this dirty look. I looked right back at her, as I'm not taking her shit. If you're that concerned with your purse and the "valuables" that it contains, then you shouldn't have brought it with you in the first place, left it in the car and locked it, or not left it out of your sight.

So, then, the food was getting ready and the last thing that we needed was the paper plates. I asked my cousin's wife where it was...her grandmother is bringing them. I asked her, "well, where's grandma." No one knew. It's now 1:30, super late for lunch, and bitch is getting hungry. So, I told Melissa that I would go with her to get some paper plates, no big deal. So, I go off into the "coat room," which is really the area under the stairs, which also has some kid's toys there. So, I get there, and there's this kid being pinned against this shelving that fell over and had him against the stairs. And, I looked and my cousin's wife's mother was sitting on the stairs, doing her make-up. I mean, the kid wasn't screaming or anything, but still...lay off the fucking makeup and give the kid a hand!!! So, she said something about how she was gonna get to it, blah blah blah. *sighs*

Why did God punish me by making me perfect and littering my life with imperfect insane people?

So, I get the shelving off of the kid, shoo him and his minion away from the toys, get my coat, and my cousin's wife and I started to head out the door. Then the wife's mother starts telling her that we shouldn't get the plates because it would hurt her grandma's feelings etc etc etc. Hey, bitch is hungry! It's not my fault that Grandma is freaking late! Hell, late must be genetic for this family!! So, we opened up the door and started to walk out of the door when...

When we ran into Grandma. With the plates

Hot Damn.

However, my cousin's wife then tells me that she has to Cashland (one of those "We'll give you money and hold onto your check for 2 weeks, then cash it and charge you a crazy amount of money in interest). One of the checks they weren't supposed to get in the mail never came. So, off we went to Cashland. I've never been in there, it was kinda weird. It was like this bank type of setup, they even had a drive up window like a fast food restaurant where you can pay crazy amounts of interests on a small "loan." And apparently they've teamed up with The General to offer insurance. And, being an insurance agent, I was looking over the little flier that they had for The General and I just giggled. I mean, it was totally geared towards the "minimum coverage for minimum budgets" type of mentality, which is just stupid. Sure, it's nice paying the low premium until you cause a medium sized accident. Then The General would just bend you over and pop ya' one in the ass 'cause you aren't carrying enough liability coverage....

Ok, enough of that...

Ohhh, back up. So, my cousin's wife tells me that she would drive (I'm assuming 'cause she can smoke in her car, not mine) and I go to get into her car and I instantly wished that I stayed at the apartment. First of all, the smell was awful. No, not cigarette smoke; shit smell. My cousin works on this hog farm and the whole damned car smelled like hog shit. UUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!

Oohhh, and when we got back, I was taking notice of the people there and looking at what they were wearing and some people...damn. I mean, I realize that it's this informal birthday party for this kid. But, for the love of God, bathe. And, if you feel extra saucy, wash your clothes. You don't go out of the house in these clothes that are either a) filthy or b) stained something terrible. You look like a hobo. And, for the love of everything, run a comb through your hair. Bathe please. Jesus.....

*sighs*

I mean, I don't care if you're wearing name brand clothing or anything. Just make sure your shit is clean and you run a comb through your hair and bathe every couple of days. Is that too much to ask for?? IS IT?!?!?!

So, needless to say, we finally were able to eat around 2ish. So, we ate and, while getting around the birthday cake for the birthday boy, I walked into the kitchen and saw my cousin's brother looking through the prescription bottles on top of the refrigerator. Now, normally I would just assume this to be natural, however mildly inappropriate, behavior. I've been known to do it once or twice *ahem* But anyways, my cousin's wife told me the other day that he was asking for some of their Vicodin. I asked her why he didn't get his own prescription, she said that his doctor has cut him off. Now, right there, it screams to me addict. However, I don't know this. But, when I saw this, I put two and two together. So, he left after I got into the kitchen and I told my cousin's wife about what was going on and what I saw. So, fun fun there. She just put the drugs in her pocket and kept on going with the birthday boy's cake.

So, after the cake, we opened up presents. And, needless to say, my birthday present was a SMASH!! I mean, what 3 year old boy doesn't like a gun that's really loud and flashes all of these colors? I mean, sure, my cousin and his wife hates me, but whatever :). I also got him a Veggie Tales DVD and a Spongebob Squarepants DVD, which I thought that he would enjoy :)

So, needless to say, I was there from 12:30 until almost 4. I was...beyond burnt out. I got home, Mike was making me the pumpkin pie I bought at Walmart (Bless you Walmart!) and I crawled into my pj bottoms and hoodie, curled up on the couch, and watched TV until Hell wouldn't have it again...

 

So, after much praying to the Firefox gods, I think that I have this picture upload crashing thing handled. So, on with the show!

Now, as you all may now, I've been empowered by my fellow blogger Jennifer to go out into the unknown and perilous lands known as Gay Walmart. So, under the guise of shopping for pop (that's soda for those in the South) and birthday gifts for a 3 year old, I used my camera phone to take this startling and horrifying photos of The Truth.

May the gods protect us from the evils that I'm about to show you....

So, when you first walk into the door you see this disastrous concoction laying on the floor. This brew has been used for generations by The Gays to turn our fellow straight men into one of Them.

I mean, the shame of Walmart! They even used their great powers of Roll Back Prices to make it even more affordable for The Gays!

Still, I ventured a bit further and I stumbled across a staple that every gay man needs for the weekend.

Every gay man needs the essential party dress to live it up during the weekend, doing those disgusting things that they do in their "Activity Centers."

And, what gay boy can wear their exquisite party dress and not have any bling to go with it.

And, what queen, when buying a new party dress from Walmart, wouldn't buy a new pair of shoes to match the dress perfectly?

And, we can't forget the lesbians. Walmart calls to them too, don't you forget!

Walmart has the latest styles for the lesbians! What lesbian wouldn't wanna dress herself in the latest George flannel shirt collection?

And, for those of you that don't think that Walmart is catering to the children. Well, I have proof for you!

They are out to create little lesbians out of our children!

Now, I beg and plead with all of you. Run, Run away from your local Walmart! Think of the future of this country. And think of the future of your children!