Mortgaging My Soul, Once Again

So, for unspeakable reasons, we are now getting our mail at the post office instead of it being delivered at our house.  Well, they're not really unspeakable as much as we'll discuss them later and not relevant to the story at hand.  So, anyway, I get our mail and go to work, as normal.  So, I'm opening up all of the mail at work and there was a magazine wrapped in opaque plastic.

Shit.

Was this my "Unzipped" magazine or "The Advocate" magazine.  Unzipped is, well, dedicated to witty columns (the reason why I get the magazine, duh) and, well, porno pics.  Actually, funny story about this magazine, but moving forward.  And, The Advocate is this gay political magazine.  So, of course, I was hoping that it was The Advocate (actually, I was hoping it was the Unzipped magazine...but, for the sake of my brother and the 50 year old lady that works in our office...well, you know how it is).  So, I opened it, and, wouldn't you know it, it was The Advocate.  So, I'm like, "Yea, The Advocate has come!"  And, Jane was like, "What's that?"  So, of course, I had to explain the purpose of the magazine and that it was this gay political rag that I enjoyed.  So, anyways, I laid it on the kitchen table at work so that I would remember to take it home with me, as I wouldn't have time to read it at work, as I had a lot of shit to catch up on.

So, a couple of hours passed and Jane finished up with her lunch, eating it in the kitchen while I was toiling away at the computer.  She then walked out of the kitchen, sat down, and said, "I read your magazine cover to cover and, well, it's just like any other magazine."  And, I stopped what I was doing, turned around, looked at her funny, and said, "Well, yea, what were you expecting?"  I mean, I was really confused by this question.  Just because it was this "gay" magazine doesn't mean there would be hologram penises (hmmm, maybe I should sell that idea to some magazine) and different ads where they had subliminal, witty messages to convert the bi curious or the studly straight into our wicked, wicked fold.  So, anyways, I digress.  So, after I asked my pondering question, she didn't even really know how to elaborate on what she meant...and I'm not really sure she knew what she meant.  I mean, I guess she was thinking that, since it was a gay magazine, it "had" to be different in some respect.  I mean, besides the point of view that it's trying to get across is different from, lets say, "Focus On The Family," the magazine is shockingly similar.  I mean, the both of pages, ads, editorial comments, people ranting about the stupdity of others, and porn.  Yes, if you look through the Christian right pamphlets long enough, and you'll find some porn.  I know exactly what I'm talking about.

But, still, I'm just really puzzled by what she meant by that.  I understand that she wasn't being all critical by that statement.  I'm just left to wonder if straight people (and, when I use that term, I don't mean "all of them," by any stretch of the imagination...just the majority) look at gays and think "you are completely different and foreign from the rest of us."  I don't know, I'm perplexed by this.  Maybe she was just woried that, by opening the magazine and reading a few words, it would reach out and steal her soul.  I mean, I'm not saying that it is outside the realm of reality...I'm just saying that, quite possibly, she was worried about it.  And, quite possibly, she had some justification for feeling that way....

Ok, so now for the unspeakable reason why we're getting our mail at the post office now.  So, they are digging up all of God's creation around our house.  The front yard of our house looks like zombies have pushed themselves out of their ground-covered coffins and are reaking havoc on the outside world.  But, in a more calm and sane reality, they are digging up the water lines and replacing them around our street.  I'm not sure if there's a reason for them doing this, maybe just for sport.  I'm not quite sure, nor does it matter.  If I were to stand in front of the workers, telling them I didn't want them on my property doing this...well, I'm sure that they will barrell over me with heavy equipment just as I'm sure that God looks, points, and laughs at me 'cause I'm weird looking.  So, I digress yet again.  The water line runs right under our mail box, of course.  So, the first day they were doing this, our mail box was laying on the ground.  The second day, our mail box was put up, but they put it on behind a mound of dirt and up to high.  And, the gods would surely touch me inappropriately before the mailman *gets* out of his car to put the mail in the mail box.   So, the next day, I went to the post office, got my mail, and told them that, for the time being, they'll have to put it in the agency's PO box so that, strangely, we can continue getting our mail.  'Cause, I don't think that having a lazy mail man is a reason to not pay your bills.  Maybe I should try that sometime though.  It would be hot I think.

See, if I would have been straight and to the point, that whole mail fiasco would have been 3 sentences.  However, through the work of fabu artistry and talent, I bloated it to a paragraph.  Skills, you just gotta have skills. 

I'm "supposed" to get my shitty Acer laptop back tomorrow.  However, I just checked the Fedex website.  *sighs*.  It was shipped on Thursday.  It left this town on Friday in Texas...and, apparently it's still departing that town Monday evening.  It just...makes me wanna jump up and down and squeal like a daddy's little girl on prom night.  I WANT my laptop, so that I can scream when it's not fixed correctly and I can call them and give them bloody hell.  I'm just too damned nice, damn it.  Anyone can tell ya' that really knows me.  Of course, ignore the people that tell you I'm a selfish, self-loving bastard that is consumed with his own fabulousness.  Not that they blame me or anything, it's just another one of God's little truths.

And, for those wondering what crack I'm snorting, 'cause I'm typing with all of these lovely metaphores and similies tonight...to answer you, I'm not super sure.  Just, when I started typing, I started to get a little sassy and a little stupid.  So, I apologize for my sassy outbursts and will, hopefully, continue on with my mundaneness tomorrow.