Mortgaging My Soul, Once Again

So, I was watching one of my favorite shows tonight, Boston Legal.  And they brought up a case in regards to assisted suicide.  To give a quick background, this man freely admited that he increased his wife's morphine drip dosage to kill her.  She had Alzheimer's Disease and basically was an infendel at this point in time and wanted to die.  So, her husband killed her.

Now, I've always been a huge believer in Assisted Suicide.  My thoughts have always been quality of life.  If there is no quality of life, and the person suffering wants to die, there should be nothing to hinder it.

But, the show had an interesting twist at the end.  When the jury ruled not guilty, it had the husband stand up, shaking his lawyers' hands, and the lawyer noticed that the husband was giving "the look" to the nurse that helped them in the first place with the morphine...she was a hospice worker.  We all know the look, the look of "we did it, we got away with it, i love you and will see you later tonight."

Of course, we never know if the husband did it purely out of love for his wife or if he did it to end *his* suffering and to move on with his life and mistress.  All that we know is that he and the nurse was involved, nothing more.

I guess that it's impossible to truely understand one's motive to help assist in a suicide, especially if it's a loved one.  If it's an impartial person, that's one thing.  But for a husband/wife/significant other, that's another thing, especially in their fragile emotional setting.  And, for this reason, I now understand the legal system and why they don't allow it.  Because of it being such a slippery slope and how they can't *100%* understand why you did it.

However, I would think that a compromise would work in this type of situation.  I still do think that assisted suicides should be legal, but several conditions must be met.  First one is that the one suffering and their spouse/significant other (if they exist), should go to counceling and get approval from 2 or 3 therapists, ok'ing that they are in a sound enough state of mind to make such a decision.  Second is that it would have to be done by an impartial third party.  Third is that the person must be terminal, no hope of recovery, period.

I would hate to be that patient, where my mind is wasting away, where I can't even go to the bathroom myself, can't remember who I am or where I am or even the people around me.  I would want to die, with those strangers that call me family and friend surrounding me, remembering me for who I was, not who I am at that moment.

So, we got the call today...

Tammy called Mike late this afternoon while both of us was home.  For some reason he felt compelled to put her on speakerphone *rolls eyes*.  But, it looks like the cancer in her lymph nodes is also in her stomach and her cervix and it's too far gone to operate/treat.  They have her on so much morphine and they don't think that she understands what's going on, but at least she isn't in so much pain...

It's just so sad to see a woman that you once knew that was so vivacious and spunky and so intel...to see her reduced to a barely living pile of flesh.  My heart definatly goes out to Tammy and Brenda's family.  Tammy was a mess when she called...angry at the doctors 'cause they didn't catch it in September when she was first having the problems.  I wish there was something more to say to someone in that condition then "I'm sorry."  Seems so empty....

So, more then likely they'll be brining her home or to a nursing home in van wert and hook her up with a hospice so that she can die in peace.  I just keep on thinking of how she was when we visited her in Van Wert before she was transfered to the Cleveland Clinic.  She looked like hell, was bawling most of the time, angry at how she was treated by the doctors.  That experience took a lot out of me, because, again, what do you say to things like this?  But, while I'm not looking forward to it, I also realize that it's something that has to be done and dealt with.  Plus, I guess that she's dealing with it the best and only way that she knows how, knowing that soon she will be dieing.  The doctors don't know yet as far as how long she's going to live.  It's just that, whenever I speak with someone or see someone in that much pain, it's almost like I can feel their pain.  And, so not only am I dealing with my own grief, I'm dealing with theirs as well, and it's hard for me to compensate for that much emotional whirlwind, as I'm not really used to that.  However, as Tammy said on the phone today, we have to be strong for her and to be there for her.

Needless to say, probably after her death Tammy will be selling the house and moving with her sister in Michigan.  She hasn't said as much.  But, when they were having some difficulties between eachother a year or so ago, she said that she would let Brenda keep the house and she would move with her sister.  And, I have this gut feeling that we would lose not one, but two of our neighbors and friends.

I just had a lot of hope for Brenda.  She was one of the strongest women that I've ever known and I was sure that, if anyone could beat this, she could.  I guess it just goes to show ya' that, no matter how mighty and strong you are, eventually even the highest mountains must fall.  Such the circle of life.

So, I watched Saw II today which Mike bought me when he was in Wisconsin.  I just have to say that it was *SOOOO* freaking sweet.  Everyone has to watch it, EVERYONE!  If you've never heard of it, check out the website at http://www.saw2.com.  I was completly blown away by the ending and what all happened.  The people that come up with this movie and the original Saw are truely warped individuals.  Bless you.

I got some really bad news yesterday.  I went to get the mail at home and Tammy was getting her mail as well (our mailboxes are right next to eachother).  So, I talked to her for a few moments and asked her how Brenda was doing at the Cleveland Clinic.  Well, then she started crying and said that they found Lymph Node cancer.  *sighs*.  I searched on the internet...and, oddly enough most of the information I found was about breast cancer, go figure :p.  But, if my memory serves me correctly, lymph node cancer is almost always fatal since, once it enters the lymph nodes, it spreads throughout the entire body.  They were supposed to get the test results back either yesterday or today but we still haven't heard anything back from them.  I'll probably have MIke call Tammy tomorrow after work and get the scoop as to what's going on.  Tammy said that, if there can't be anything done for her, then she wants to come home so she can spend time with friends/family in a more humane setting then just a hospital.  I just hope that, when/if it comes to that, Tammy isn't alone with Brenda when she passes away.  But, I do have to give Tammy credit.  She toughened up during this whole ordeal.  She's a new recovering alcoholic, hasn't been drinking this whole time, and has been really strong for Brenda.  But, gods, I couldn't imagine what she's going through.  Not sure that many people can though.  Just hopefully the cancer is still just there and that they can either remove it surgically or with chemo.  Just, if it comes to that, hopefully Brenda is strong enough to handle the treatment...

Work has been obscenely busy the past few days.  And not with fixing things or even modifying policies.  New business...it's been fucking crazy.  We've been whipping stuff out left and right out of our office.  Travis and I have been struggling to keep up with the new business workload.  Pretty freaking nuts really :p.  Especially with how fast we operate...it's pretty wrong to be struggling to even keep up :p.  But, hey, more money for me!  And I poor!

I really feel like taking some drugs and going to bed right now.  Still have a load of laundry in the dryer and another load in the wash.  So, more then likely I won't be seeing bed until around 12:30.  Which sucks 'cause I have to be at work tomorrow at 9am :(.  blech.  Stupid Travis and being sick.  hehe

For Vday this year, since Mike was in Wisconsin, mom and I went out for supper at Casa's (mexican restuarant in a town near here).  The food was kicking as always.  But the service was just straight up evil.  We were waiting for 30 minutes just to get sat.  And, you think to yourself, "for vday, that's fast!"  No my friends, you are mistaken.  Half of the tables were empty, and we were still standing there for an obscene amount of time.  The people in front of the line were *at the front* for 30 minutes, waiting to get sat.  See now?  They only had two waitresses and this crazy mexican lady that felt that filling the salsa bowls were more important then sitting people and maybe even getting the drink orders.  When the guy infront of us asked them why there were only two waitresses there, the lady responded "I have no idea, that's how they scheduled it.  Seems pretty stupid to me."  *laughs*.  Well, at least she was honest :).  But, I still tipped a 5 (Casa's isn't that much, i'm not a cheap tipper...the meal cost less then 20 bucks :p ) 'cause, really, it's not the waitresses' fault that the manager/owner is a lil' bitch.  And, once we did get sat, the waitress was all over us and provided very good service.

But, so, yes...I spent Vday with my momma and had a good time hehe.

I also commited my soul to going to Florida with my parents....

Hopefully my soul can make it through the adventure....

So, I just spoke to Mike, and the dr said that the bump was just a cyst.  He said that it should go away on its own...if it gets bigger or looks like it's getting infect, the dr can do an in-office procedure to remove it.

So, definatly good news on that front, huge weight off of my mind...

Also Mike got offered a promotion in the company. The Big Guy wants Mike to move to the Carolina's to headup a new terminal there...so he'll be the big guy running that. But I had to be the one to remind Mike that I can't move...so, as far as I know, he's not planning on moving down there without me :p. But, I thought it was interesting that they offered him such a large promotion already...

And Mike will be calling Tammy later this evening to see if they've heard anything in regards to Brenda and if there's any prognosis as of late. Hopefully there's some more good news floating our way :)

So, I guess apprehension is the word for the day....

We're still waiting on any word in regards to Brenda, our neighbor.  Hopefully we hear news on her soon....

Amanda (a friend of ours in London) is having a lot of problems...female problems.  So, a lot of us over here are really worried about her and they don't have the foggiest idea of what's causing her problems...

And Mike went to the dr today.  For the past week he's had a very painful red bump on his penis.  I'm severly stressed out about that.  I just emailed him awhile back ago at work, asking him what the dr said, and he just emailed me back, saying he didn't want to have an email trail of "something personal like this."  Painfully vague....

I'm just feeling sick to my stomach about right now...I'm really at my wits end.  'Cause, really, the only thing that I can think of in regards to Mike is genetal herpes.  But, generally they are several bumps, not just one.  But, still...if he does have it, that means that I gave it to him.  But, he said that he had it before several years ago...but I don't know if that was before or after me.  I just want to know, instead of sitting and waiting any longer....

ugh...I fucking hate feeling this way.  I really should have stayed in bed today....

Just a quick update on Brenda, our neighbor...

Yesterday they tried to put her in a CAT scan machine to do some testing, but it was causing her too much pain (which...she just lays there, so I don't know why it was causing her pain....).  So, today they're literally gonna knock her out before doing the scan on her.

So, hopefully we'll have some news soon.....

So, Travis, Jess, and I went to see Nickelback in concert at Fort Wayne, IN.  The concert was kicking, it was a pretty good time.  The only bad part was the guy sitting in front of me...gross.  First of all, I think he weight over 300 pounds.  I was thinking to myself when he was gonna sit down "Omg, he's not gonna fit, he's not gonna fit."  But, he fit....lucky, lucky me.  Then I could smell him...not a nice cologne smell or anything like that.  Really bad BO.  And, to top it off, he tried to cover it up with really cheap cologne.  I almost wanted to hurl myself from the stadium seating to my death.  Instead, I endured 3 hours of his smell.  I'm sure the gods were chuckling at me...bastards *waves fist at them*

Also, as an update, Brenda got to the Cleveland Clinic alright.  They were doing tests on her yesterday...Mike is calling them in a bit and seeing if they have the results back and if they have any idea what's going on with her.  Hope that they can figure something out....

Let me see...anything else....

I mailed out Narelle's birthday present today (a lil' late...but then again, aren't I always *ahem*).  I hope that it fits her.  It's kind of hard to eyeball clothing when you haven't seen the person in 2 years...we shall see :)  If not...well, I guess it's the thought that counts, right?  Right?

I got my new sexy panties the other day, love them.  They're a white mesh thong...I bought two pairs actually *laughs*.  I just *LOVE* the way that they feel!!  I bought them at http://www.internationaljock.com.  They have some really hot guy panties...very sweet.

I looked online yesterday to see if Tori Amos was doing any concerts...*sighs*.  And, no, she's stopped touring for her new CD, The Beekeeper.  Bah.  And I was really looking forward to it :p.  I'll have to keep on checking to see if she starts any more tours.  It would be freaking sweet :)  I would even do my special "Tori Amos is Awesome" dance...and everyone would wanna see that dance....

So, we went up to the Van Wert nursing home to visit Brenda, our neighbor that's been having a lot of problems with blood clotting.  To catch everyone up to speed, about 3 months ago she had some really bad problems with clotting everywhere in her body.  They starting giving her the normal meds to break up the clotting, but it wasn't helping at all.  They think it had something to do with her radiation treatment several years ago to fight off her cervical cancer.  So, now she has blood clots in her cervix and her legs, predominatly.  The doctors have been baffled why nothing is working on her.  So, now she's been put in a nursing home to take care of her since there's no point in having her in a hospital any longer.  She found out a few days ago that the Cleveland Clinic will be accepting her as a patient due to no one else being able to help her.  They are the best clinic in this general area, riveling some of the best practices in the country.  You would think that she would be happy...optimistic about this.

But she's not.

We walked in to her room and, within 20 seconds, she was bawling hysterically.  She's in so much pain that she just wants to give up and die.  Just looking at her...she just looked so...beaten.  She was slurring her words...not sure if it was the pain medication or her state of mind at the moment.  I could tell that it was really hard on Mike, as he's very very close to her.  I found myself completly shutting myself down, emotionally...I couldn't handle it, period.  We talked a little bit about the Cleveland Clinic and we kept on telling her that, if there's anything that can be found, they will find it and fix her.  So, we spoke to her about when she gets better she'll get to pester Mike like she used to and help Mike with the yard at home.  That did seem to bring her spirits up quite a bit.  It was just really hard...on everyone in the room.

It was just so upsetting to me, as she was one of the strongest people I've known in quite some time.  And, there she was, completly reduced to a crying, scared child...but, instead of fighting for life...almost embracing death.

I can see that Mike would be that way...and, honestly, I have no idea how I would cope with that.  Either shutting myself down as I did today or having a mental break down...not sure which one would be worse in the situation....

I've always been comfortable with my death.  As a young kid I always figured that I would die young(er)...and I've learned to deal with it.  When it comes, it comes, I have little to no regrets about what I've done or lived my life.  But I guess I could never see myself embracing death rather then fighting.  But, I guess suffering for 3 months straight can twist one's perception on life and the quality that it offers.  But, it seems that Hope is the one thing that can alter that perception back to where someone would want to embrace life and fight for it.

I just really hope that she makes it through this evening 'til Monday when she can get to the clinic and, at the least, have the dr's take a look at her and see if there's anything that they can do.  If there's even the slightest chance that they can do something, I'm sure that everything will be fine and that Brenda will continue to fight the good fight so that she can help Mike in the yard once again this summer *grins*.

Yes yes, it has been awhile since I've updated my blog last.....

Not that much has been going on as late

I did hear something interesting yesterday morning when I woke up to my clock radio.  I was listening to 98.9, the Bear and their morning program is pretty good.  They have boob-sizes-for-prizes and all of that fun stuff.  It's not a kid's morning program, to assure you.  But, anyways, they got this call from this lady.  She asked them if they could "tone it down" and make it more kid-friendly during a certain period of time because she's dropping her kid off at school and she didn't feel that it was appropriate for her kid to be listening to that stuff.

WTF

Seriously lady, what is wrong in that stupid lil' head of yours?  It hurts me right *here* *points to his winky*.  Maybe, just maybe, you should control your kid.  Your kid is 10 years old, you ought to be able to control what he listens to in *YOUR OWN CAR!*.  Yes, it's not kid appropriate, it's geared for listeners that are 18-35.  Your kid is not 18.  But that doesn't mean that the whole world needs to be tailered to *just you*.  There are other people out there.

That's just the mentality that really pisses me off.  Like, when people sue video game makers because "their violenced influenced my kid to kill."  First of all, that's a bunch of crap.  You should have instilled better values into your kids.  Second, if it was "so violent," then why in the hell did you allow them to play it to begin with?!  I mean, what is *wrong* with YOU!!!!  You use no parenting skills or any common sense and then, when something does happen, you push the blame onto others.  That just really pisses me off.  If you're a shitty parent, fine, they're not my kids.  But, don't be playing the blame game with me, biootch.

Or, when people get all up in arms about violence/sex on tv.  Block it you stupid, stupid bastards!  Every cable company has parental controls, you just setup a password and you can block via ratings, channel, or a combo of both.  Don't be freaking retarded and try to censor everything just because you don't find it appropriate for your kids.  *YOU* take responsibility for your kids and, however you want to rase them, that's fine.  But don't feel the need to punish people that happen to like to watch sex/violence on shows.  That's why they *put* parental controls on such things.  But, silly me, you shouldn't have to do that.  Too fucking bad.  I happen to like sex and violence in my shows!

True

Lemme see, now that I'm off my rant...

Narelle asked Mike and I to come to Australia for about 2 weeks in June.  I ran it by Mike the other day, but he won't be able to go until next year 'cause he doesn't get any vacation time.  Lame :p.  So, I told Narelle the other night that it wouldn't be happening, at least this year.  'Tis a shame :(.  So, maybe she'll be able to come up this year...that'll be seriously kick ass *grins*.

I got my sexy white mesh thongs two days ago via the internet.  Freaking sweet.  I wasn't too sure about them, but when I got them and put it on, they're *so* freaking comfy, I love them :).  Good thing I got two pairs....

Travis should be back hopefully...I'm starting to get hungry :p.  And, what's really odd, it's almost 11:40 and I haven't had *ONE* phone call today.  I mean, how freaking insane is that?!  For a company to not have one phone call from 9-almost 12 is pretty insane.  Even though I did have a few people drop off some payments *twirls around finger*.

Ohhh, exciting news, Travis, Jess, and I are going to see Nickelback this coming Monday.  *YEA*  I love the group!  And they're coming to Ft Wayne, which isn't far from us at all.  So, hopefully a good time will be held by all :).  I told my ex Denny that we were going to see them this Monday and he hinted that he wanted to go with us.  Uhhmmm, that would be kinda weird, ya' think?  My ex tagging along with myself and my brother and sister-in-law?  Yea, denied, thank you, please come again.

Finially...Travis is back...time to eat.  Yea!