I Cheated On Walmart *Hides Head In Shame*
I did something today that I wasn’t proud of…
It wasn’t out of necessity, pleasure, or addiction.
I did it out of boredom. And a great swell of shame is growing inside of my chest.
I cheated on Walmart today. That glorious place that I publicly spit on and post multiple slanderous remarks about…I go there all the time. Typically once or twice a week, at the very least. I know, Jennifer, I’m sure you will launch a compaign to have me removed from my seat as Queen of the Anti-Walmart Federation and publicly shamed and flogged in the town square. *sighs*.
But, moving on with my shame, I was in Saint Marys killing some time as I was waiting until 4pm so I could meet my mother and the rest of the clan at the hospital so we could all drive up to see Grandpa Sullivan while he’s still recovering from open heart surgery. And I decided to venture into the relatively new Kroger store. There isn’t a Kroger store around in this area at all so I’ve only been in a Kroger store once, maybe twice in my life.
I wasn’t super impressed with the store but I made my way through, looking for the Campbells Soup that comes in those microwavable cups. Mike likes those for lunch. So, I made my way through the store and purchased four of them and, on my way to the checkout line, there were some fruit snacky thingies which looked mighty tasty. So I was checking out and, even with a dollar off coupon for my soups, it came to $14!!!!! For four freaking cans of soup and a container of Fig Newtons? FOR REAL?!
I double checked the receipt before heading out and, for the love of everything, that was the real price. I mean, at Walmart (God Save Walmart From Its Evil Misdoings, Amen) the soups are $1.50 a piece. At Kroger they are $2.69 a piece. The Fig Newtons were $3.69 a box.
Fuck!
I’ve never really paid that close attention to prices because, well, I typically need the items that I’m purchasing. There’s really no reason to bitch about the price. But I thought $14 was outrageous for the amount of food I was getting! Well, maybe you people in the big cities don’t think that’s too bad. But we live in rural Ohio where we grow our own food, ride around in buggies, and have sex with our sisters. Well, come on…only if they’re pretty. We do have standards, Precious.
So, I’m taking a new stand:
Long Live The Walmart!
May it’s Stock Prices Soar and It’s Low Low Prices Plummit.
Amen.
*Deactivates his email address so the hate mail will stop…peeaasseee, peeaassee stop!*
*weeps in shame and mortification*….oh Casey, how could you??? How could you plug Wal-Mart so shamelessly?? Have Sam’s “boys” gotten to you?? Did they woo you with their micro fiber briefs and their sculptured cups and their pretty, sparkly tiaras??? For the love of God man, come to your senses!!! We are standing alone against the evil empire, and we must present a united front!!!!!!! If you abandon the movement, I will falter, and I will go back to wearing the evil George clothing!!!! I will pray for you my friend!!
*whimpers*
Fine, I’ll have to take one for the team. And it wasn’t the praying that converted me. God damn it, it was the threat of wearing cheap tacky clothing at low, low prices.
I may drive myself to poverty, but BY GOD I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO DRESS YOURSELF INAPPROPRIATELY!
It is my duty…no, my whole reason for living and breathing on this earth to show the fashion destitute how to dress smartly while on a budget. And, for any of you confused, the “fashionable” George line from Walmart is NOT acceptable.
I TELL YOU IT’S NOT!
*works on his budget so that he can now allow double his usual grocery bill so that Jennifer will not have to dress herself in such shameful threads*