Mortgaging My Soul, Once Again

So, today is the first day in weeks where my stomach doesn't feel all weird and i'm throwing up constantly.  Definatly a good sign.  Apparently the drugs are doing what they're supposed to be doing, quite lovely indeed.

Mike told me last night that he had a really horrid dream.  He was in this place, and this woman and I were next to him.  I left him, and Mike started crying, crying because of the pain of me leaving and also because...he couldn't remember my name.  The woman told me that my middle name was william, but that he didn't need to concern himself with my name because i was gone forever from his life.  Needless to say, when he told me about this dream, he started to cry a lot.  I wish I could make him see that I really do love him and that I would never leave him.  Damn his negative self-image...

This weekend was pretty blah though.  Just sat around on the couch and watched tv mostly.  Went to the library saturday afternoon, the floppy drive looked like it was pushed in too far in the computer and wouldn't eject the floppy disks.  *sighs*.  Those computer's shouldn't even have come with floppy drives *blah*.  But i went over there and ripped it apart, looks like a portion of the floppy drive was bent all to hell so it couldn't be flush against the casing.  So I gave the librarian a note to call dell to send out a replacement floppy disk and I'll install it for them.  It makes me wanna scream when i hear people that still use floppy disks.  Damn, go out and spend a few bucks, get a cheap ass USB flash drive that are more dependable and can hold a hell of a lot more info.  And, you can keep it on a keychain, so you'll always have it with me.  Makes me just wanna cry hearing such ignorance.

Dreaming of a floppy-less world,
Ka"Dield

So anyways, I went to the dr's yesterday to get myself some antibiotics.  Yea, he told me to eat before taking the pills, i didn't listen, my bad.  I don't eat breakfast, makes me sick.  So, I popped the pill and went off to work.  Wow, bad move on my part...guess the dr's get paid the big bucks for a reason.  My stomach was soon shaking and I wanted to die.  It felt like intense intestinal gas coursing through my whole body.  It was horriable.  I stayed at work until around 1ish...then I just had to leave and try to sleep it off.  Sucked.  Yea, definatly will have to remember to eat before taking it again.

Mom just called me, said that she got season (i think) 6&7 of voyager.  Totally psyched.  I can rip through a season in a day *drools*.  So very happy about it...will have to get them in my grubby hands tomorrow when Mike and I go over there for supper.  We're having sausage *drools*.

It's interesting...I used to almost obsess over porn....like it was the greatest thing every.  But, after getting the idea in my head to propose to Mike, I haven't really had the urge.  I mean, it's nice to look at, but I don't really lust after it, kinda like my perseption of it has altered slightly.  Hopefully this is good news.  And I used to think a lot about other guys other then Mike and cheating on him with them.  Not really anymore.  I think it had a lot to do with the AIDS scare that we had a few months back.  Most people get scared of AIDS because of their own mortality.  I never really cared about my health that much.  I've always had it in my head that I would die young, it's something that I've dealt with for quite some time and I've accepted it.  If i'm wrong, coodos to me.  If i'm correct, well, i've done dealt with it.  But, the though of me being responsible for killing my lover over an hour or so of sexual passion?  Anyone that knows me can attest to the fact that I don't cry, I don't get moved very much, not a real emotional person.  But that thought alone threw me into hysterics.  Mike's never seen me cry up until that night....the night we thought I may have infected him (we both are neg, thank the gods).  I just looked into his eyes and realized that he's never done anything wrong....so innocent, and for me to take that away from him....it just destroyed me.  To think that I hurt someone that I cared so much about made me quiver with anger and resentment towards myself.  Just good to know that it's behind me....not sure why that just came out...

Anyways, have to finish up a few things before going to bed....

*hugs his tummy,
Ka'Dield

So, I had a very bizarre dream last night.  I decided to go on this cruise with 5 other friends (Excluding Mike, he wasn't invited).  We were all hanging out, eating lovely foods, etc.  And, during it, he heard from someone that I went with *50* gay guys and it was basically gonna be this huge orgy *chuckles*.  So, he bought another ticket and went on another cruise ship, which somehow caught up with us and happily ever after.  Then, i was walking around near people's quarters on the ship, looking for someone specifically. I found him, I do believe he was some type of school teacher.  He was very emotionally unstable and very conservitive religiously.  He turned me into forced labor to work on his computer *chuckles*.  There was this huge battle between him, my 5 friends, and mike.  ANd, we were nearing the end and the unstable man and his wife turned into my parents.  And, I cocked my head and remembered why I went on this trip with 5 friends and not mike.  I was on the ship because we were going to "The Rapture"....we were going to be taken up to heaven, and the rest of humanity wouldn't go to heaven, it was the last days of earth.  And my mom looked at me in concern in her eyes.  I looked at Mike and realized that, heaven or hell, i would be with him, and I didn't want anything to change.  She must of realized my decision and said "I'm sorry that you won't be going to heaven casey, i really wish that you would change your mind."  I just shook my head no...and I woke up.  Very bizarre to say the least.

Yesterday I bought Mike & I's rings.  I'm so psyched.  Gonna purpose to him on his birthday....*grins evilly*.  I have the proposal laid out, but not anything else.  I want a really nice commitment ceremony.  Doesn't have to be legal or anything like that, just have to find a place that will do it.  Will have to look around on the internet after this.

Went out with Melissa last night to After Dark (MIke was sick).  'Twas a lot of fun...some drinking, a lot of dancing, and it was odd.  I've been so far removed from people for quite awhile (at least in a social setting), that when I walked in I was like "omg, there's people!".  hehe.  I amuse myself.... There was this girl that spoke in this real high head voice normally...she was standing in front of me in the line to get a drink and I almost slaughtered her right then and there.  Yes, I have no patience for people....but, I was amung them for the first time in awhile *grins*.

Gonna go look up that commitment ceremony info.....

I am the Devil's Concubine,
Ka'Dield

So anyways, I was watching this documentary on prostitues in NYC the other day.  And, what I thought to myself was "you know, i'm jealous of them.  Not for the sex or money...but, the suspense of not knowing what will happen next, meeting all of these cracked out individuals."  I mean, i wouldn't do it for a week or something...just like a day, maybe two.  Just to feel alive again....and the crack cocaine.

My dog is evil, i tell you everything.  She's down with humping me and turning around and trying to rip my face/hand off.  Hump, Kill, Repeat.  Hump, Kill, Repeat.  This is truely the joys of life.  Her soul is broken, but she's so damned pretty....

V-Day is this coming monday.  Still don't know what to get my bf, Mike, for it.  I mean, wtf does a 40-some year old guy want for V-Day.  *sighs*.  Stupid holiday anyways.  Just an evil conspiracy of the card company, candy company, and the florists.  Well, the florists and the card companies....the candy companies are doing God's work.  *munches on a mini-snickers and grape juice*.  Yea, you heard me, grape juice.  Have a craving for it, get over it.

My soul sister, narelle, mentioned an idea of cooking a nice pasta dish with pasta sauce, garlic bread, some wine, and a sappy dvd.  And i mentioned "well, and if he's really good, give him sex?"  She said exactly.  I mean, wtf, i can only handle so much responsibility here.  Either the pasta sauce or the sex has to go.....  I mean, there *are* reasons why mike cooks all the time.  I mean, Narelle mentioned recipe....i was like, wtf, you australians use such strange terms.  Ohhhh, you mean the tiny instructions on the back of the box.... apparently she thought I was meaning to be funny......

Peddling my ass for two dollars in change and some pocket lint,
Ka'Dield

So, yea, I'm on the public library's computer....not that my computer isn't working or anything...finishing setting up their new computers for them.  Just watching the setup of the last computer *whoo*.  My job will soon be done shortly.  A nice change of pace from working at the insurance agency every day.  Maybe this is a sign that I'll soon be outa my rut.  *smirks*.  yea, prolly not.

Tomorrow my best friend Melissa will be coming home from law school to be with her family for her brother's bday.  *yea*.  Hopefully we'll be able to go out that night and get wasted *grins*.  Definatly looking forward to that.

My dog, Zoie, keeps on humping my leg, and she's fixed :\\ .  But hey, if she's getting her jolies from it, who am i to stop her?  *laughs*.

I decided to be nosey since I had a few hours to kill before bed and was clicking on the random postings....damn, most of these crazy people are really depressed and whacked out *blinks*.  Maybe I'm just normal......

*sips his Mt Dew and grins*

I had an hour long massage yesterday...was simply fabulous.  Don't normally treat myself like that, I told her that I'll make an appointment and prolly make a monthly thing outa it.  Was nice being pampered.  *drools*.  Twas my day of beauty.  Wonderful to be able to take several hours from work to do something selfish like that *grins*.

So, I needed something to think...so, I've been hearing all of these lovely blogs and figured "Hey, maybe, just maybe...".  And it was so.

You know, I was watching the other day this movie.  'Twas on HBO on demand or Showtime on demand or something like that.  And, this woman was diagnosed with this cancer, only had a few months to live, tops.  She was only 23.  And, she had a loving husband and two young daughters.  She decided not to tell anyone about it...and to actually live.  She decided to do all of the "naughty" things that society tells us not to do, ie drinking, smoking, sleeping with someone else besides her husband, and speaking her mind instead of just agreeing with people or being so damned timid you can't voice your own voice.  I was so impressed by her chosen course of action.  The movie was called "My Life Without Me".  Was fabulous.  Showed me that this life is too damned short, enjoy it, as long as you don't hurt others in the process.  If I would ever get really sick like that, I would never tell anyone unless i'm collapsing near death.  Why put the family through so much more pain then they have to.  I mean, why make your family suffer for months needlessly.  They'll still have time to morn you after you're gone.  Remember them they way they used to be, not them falling all over you in pity because you are ill.  Amen to that.  You Go Girl.

So, instead of going to work, I went to the local library and helping them with replacing all of their current computers.  $25.00/hour, definatly not bad.  Could have had more, but figure that it's a community thing, won't screw them over too bad *grins*.  Even though, after the schools got out, all of these kids kept on bugging me and wanting to get on the computers.  *banishes them to the great beyond*.  Yes, I don't like kids, deal with it.

I'm begining to think that I need therapy/drugs.  'Tis one of the reasons why I started this blog.  I...I feel trapped.  Like, I look around and I don't see much that's offering me anything.  I mean, I love my job (insurance agent), love my family, love my bf....but, I feel this pain inside of me.  Like, I'm meant for so much more, there's more to life then this, and it bothers me.  I just wanna cry some nights.  Is there more to life then waking up, going to work, coming home, eating, and playing on the computer?  I would like to think so, but this is what my life has amounted to.  I want to do something bold, daring, exciting.  I want...my vacation *laughs*.  Going to Charleston for about a week in June.  Damn, should be sooner hehe.  But, what's a boy to do?  I just wanna run away for awhile, escape somewhere, some place, where no one knows me and I can pretend to be someone else....not that i'm unhappy with myself by any stretch of the imagination.  I just want some type of change.  My life is a rut and it's driving me mad.  *evil grins*.  Well, what can ya' do, ehh?

Anyways, more tomorrow...

Ka'Dield